Like a Vampire
by Pimple
Summary: The staff get derailed while marking exam papers.


It was a busy day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. After the surprise pop quiz for the fifth years, the teachers had all taken to the staff room. "Let me tell you what 'Like a Vampire' is about," Severus began, leaning back in his chair. The other teachers all looked up from their papers and exam markings. "It's all about a girl who digs a guy with a big dick," the hooked nose man said "The entire song! It's a metaphor for big dicks!" he finished, smirking at his brilliant deduction of the song's meaning.

"Toby?" the Headmaster said, furrowing at one of the student's answers "Who's Toby?"

Minerva simply rolled her eyes and buried her nose back into the various books and papers that lie strewn across the table, amplifying her voice. "No, no," the witch countered "It's about a girl who is very vulnerable. She's been fucked over a few times. Then she meets some guy who's really sensiti-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!" Severus said, raising a finger in the air as if to the test which way the wind was blowing "Time out, Greenbay. Tell that fucking bullshit to the tourists." he pontificated, defiantly crossing his arms. Minerva raised an eyebrow at her colleague's behaviour.

Unfazed by Minerva's steely gaze, Severus continued "Like a Virgin' is not about this sensitive girl who meets a nice fella," he said "That's what "True Blue" is about, now, granted, no argument about that." he allowed.

"Which one is 'True Blue'?" Dumbledore asked, his interest having been peaked.

Severus opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Hagrid's great booming voice. The sight of Severus' stolen thunder brought a smile to Minerva's usually pursed lips. "'True Blue' was a big ass hit for the Weird Sisters," Hagrid said "I don't even follow this Tops In Pops shit, and I've at least heard of True Blue."

Dumbledore returned to his marking, but not before putting Hagrid back in his place "Look, asshole," the headmaster replied "I didn't say I ain't heard of it. All I asked was how does it go? Excuse me for not being the world's biggest Weird Sisters fan."

The staff collectively turned their heads towards Hagrid, smirks plastered upon each of their faces. Hagrid merely shuffled in his strengthened seat, causing Flitwick to tumble into a stack of unmarked papers.

"Personally," Minerva said, glancing at the flailing Flitwick "I could do without her."

"I like her early stuff," Flitwick said, his voice muffled by the weight of the papers "You know, 'Lucky Star', 'Borderline' - but once she got into her 'Papa Don't Preach' phase, I don't know, I tuned out."

Severus glanced at the stack of papers, annoyed by Flitwick's interruption. "Hey, you guys are making me lose my... train of thought here," he said "I was saying something, what was it?"

Dumbledore's eyes widened. "Oh, Toby was this Chinese mage, what was her last name?" he asked, looking around the wide table.

"What's that?" Minerva replied.

"I found this old exam in a robe I ain't worn in a wolf's age. What was that name? he asked, again.

"What the fuck was I talking about?" Severus asked, his glare briefly resting on the form of the elderly Headmaster.

"You said 'True Blue' was about a nice girl, a sensitive girl who meets a nice guy, and that 'Like a Vampire' was a metaphor for big dicks." Hagrid replied, confused as to why he was even in the staff room when they were marking exams.

Severus grinned, his stained teeth causing a moment of discomfort for the rest of the staff. "Lemme tell you what 'Like a Virgin' is about," he continued "It's all about this cooze who's a regular fuck machine, I'm talking morning, day, night, afternoon, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick!" he said, raising a finger into the air as to test which way the wind was blowing.

Flitwick's voice travelled from under the stack of papers. "How many dicks is that?" he asked.

"A lot." Minerva replied.

Severus went on. "Then one day, she meets this John Holmes motherfucker and it's like, whoa baby, I mean this cat is like Gilderoy Lockheart in 'Magical Me'," Severus said "He's digging tunnels! Now, she's gettin' the serious dick action and she's feeling something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Pain!" he said, his finger cutting a knife through the air.

"Chew? Toby Chew?" Dumbledore said, oblivious to his colleague's almost obsessive behaviour.

"It hurts her!" Severus yelled, slamming his hands onto the desk "It shouldn't hurt her, you know? Her pussy should be Bubble Yum by now, but when this cat fucks her, it hurts. It hurts just like it did the first time. You see the pain is reminding a fuck machine what it once was like to be a vampire. Hence, 'Like a Vampire'.

"Wong?" Dumbledore said.


End file.
